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Just Do It Already

You want to be a runner, right? Sure you do. Everybody wants to be a runner. Look at them, all gliding along, healthy and in the zone. How do they do it? You see runners and wish you could run. You...

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Jersey Zoo

Dear Sir I am sure I speak for all islanders when I say that we are immensely proud of our zoo and the wonderful work it does in the world of conservation. This is why it’s so sad to see it in...

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Secret Millionaire

I got this idea from watching TV. For the last few weeks I’ve been visiting the local council estates asking if I can help them do a bunch of stuff, menial stuff like painting murals, counselling rape...

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Short Story

NINE/ELEVEN “You guys are all heroes. I mean real heroes.” “Well… yeah, thanks,” said Robert, hoping that was enough but the lady’s face was sad and wanting more. “It was…” Robert raised his eyebrows...

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My Interview With Wiggo

I recently had a chance to sit down and have a chat with top cyclist, Bradley Wiggins, in his home in Walford. JPB: Bradley, do you prefer Bradley or Wiggo? WIGGO: Bradley. JPB: Okay, Brad, I mean, you...

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Switching with Charlie Brooker

“Long time no see, Charlie,” I said to Charlie Brooker when I see him after yes a long time of no seeing him. “Been in the City of Angels. Black Mirror, it’s a global phenomenon.” “Yeah, saw it was...

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How To Get A Literary Agent

Every single time I do a book signing or a reading at a cool cafe at nightime I get asked this fucking question. “Excuse me Jamiepbarker, can you tell me how to get a literary agent?” Because I want to...

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Laughter

I made Enrique look at one of those pictures on the internet. One of those innocent looking pictures you stare at and stare at and then a screaming monster appears, making you shit in your pants. Paula...

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Are You Being Served By Me? Christmas Special

The opening credits are a bit like the start of Dallas with swipes and shit. There are a couple of blocks on each screen. One, the big one, has a character doing their trademark expression. First is...

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Are You Being Served By Me? Se01Ep04

Don’t worry guys, only two more of these left and then I’m sending it off to Tiger Aspect. OPENING CREDITS WRITTEN BY JAMIEPBARKER AND KATY SOMEBODY EPISODE IV: A NEW HOP INTERIOR SHOP DAYLIGHT Steve...

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Jewrainiums

Credits   ETC   EPISODE III INTERIOR SHOP DAYTIME Steve McArmstrong is gently stroking a white dove that has somehow got in the shop. Mary watches with her hands clasped beneath her chin. Steve takes...

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The Simon Who Came to Tea

Credits etc. Music EPISODE II INTERIOR SHOP DAYLIGHT Steve McArmstrong is saying something to Mary who is laughing deliriously. Just then Hector bursts out of his office. The audience applaud. Hector:...

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Are You Being Served By Me? Se01Ep01

Thinking about writing a comedy set in a shop. Thinking seriously about it. Gonna do it. Gonna do it now. PILOT The opening credits are a bit like the start of Dallas with swipes and shit. There are a...

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Inception

“Milk, man!” Said Enrique at me while he stood outside his office door. He clapped his hands when he said it. I shrugged. “Da milk!” I knew what he was alluding to. Milk fridge needed filling. “Where...

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Secret Millionaire

I got this idea from watching TV. For the last few weeks I’ve been visiting the local council estates asking if I can help them do a bunch of stuff, menial stuff like painting murals, counselling rape...

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Short Story

NINE/ELEVEN “You guys are all heroes. I mean real heroes.” “Well… yeah, thanks,” said Robert, hoping that was enough but the lady’s face was sad and wanting more. “It was…” Robert raised his eyebrows...

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A Year and a Day

  A YEAR AND A DAY

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Dinner with Charlie Brooker

“I didn’t see it,” I said and Charlie Brooker just looked at me, bemused, shaking his head and smiling. I looked back down at my dinner and pushed a piece of lemon chicken around my plate. “I was...

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Talking of Hi-De-Hi!

After my interview I went to the bookshop in town – they had a signing going off and the guy signing the book was, I thought, Hale or Pace (I can’t tell them apart.) Anyway, it was Hale or Pace so I...

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Just Do It Already

You want to be a runner, right? Sure you do. Everybody wants to be a runner. Look at them, all gliding along, healthy and in the zone. How do they do it? You see runners and wish you could run. You...

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