Nike Fuelband
I recently had the opportunity to sit down with the CEO of Nike, Mark Parker, at the company’s lush Burnley headquarters and discuss their new hot product — the Nike FuelBand tm. JPB — Mark, tell me...
View ArticleDinner with Charlie Brooker
“I didn’t see it,” I said and Charlie Brooker just looked at me, bemused, shaking his head and smiling. I looked back down at my dinner and pushed a piece of lemon chicken around my plate. “I was...
View ArticleAfter the Storm
Beep He slid his rucksack off his shoulders. While opening the main zip he simultaneously removed the trowel he thought of as The Doer from his belt. He wore three trowels around his belt but The Doer...
View ArticleBanjo
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God! I am so very excited. This is what I live for. I guess that sounds sad but this is my time to shine. Where are we anyway? Oh yeah, sweet, I fucking love this place....
View ArticleClarkson
I parked my car and walked over to Paula. She was sitting on the bonnet of Enrique’s Cadillac which was slowly but surely becoming one with the disabled bay in which it sat. The Cadillac itself gave...
View ArticleSecret Millionaire
I got this idea from watching TV. For the last few weeks I’ve been visiting the local council estates asking if I can help them do a bunch of stuff, menial stuff like painting murals, counselling rape...
View ArticleShort Story
NINE/ELEVEN “You guys are all heroes. I mean real heroes.” “Well… yeah, thanks,” said Robert, hoping that was enough but the lady’s face was sad and wanting more. “It was…” Robert raised his eyebrows...
View ArticleI Love Writing
I really do. Always have done, I don’t know why. I also don’t know what the hell ; is or how you use them, it hasn’t held me back. Wanna hear about the process? Sure you do. I was mowing the lawn. See,...
View ArticleGhost Writer
“I” I said and left it. I hadn’t rehearsed this moment. My Neil Armstrong moment. There were flashes. Had 90,000 people ever been so quiet? I doubt it. I licked my lips. I looked behind me at the giant...
View ArticleHow I Became One of Those Guys
The nerves set in as soon as I was in the booth. Just do it you big twat, I told myself. Just fucking do it. The last time I was so nervous in a booth was Amsterdam. That day the shutter had risen in...
View ArticleMasterchef
Dear You I am writing about your telly show MASTERCHEF. I have numerous complaints which I demand are addressed by the show’s maker. 1) Why can’t Gregg, the bald one, eat properly? That’s pretty much...
View ArticleComparisons
“It’s a Volvo.” My father thought it was a Lexus and so I corrected him. “Looks like a Lexus.” “Nah, it’s an XC90. A Volvo.” We were watching my brother park his Volvo. He hadn’t done a great job of...
View ArticleDinner with Charlie Brooker
“I didn’t see it,” I said and Charlie Brooker just looked at me, bemused, shaking his head and smiling. I looked back down at my dinner and pushed a piece of lemon chicken around my plate. “I was...
View ArticleAfter the Storm
Beep He slid his rucksack off his shoulders. While opening the main zip he simultaneously removed the trowel he thought of as The Doer from his belt. He wore three trowels around his belt but The Doer...
View ArticleBanjo
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God! I am so very excited. This is what I live for. I guess that sounds sad but this is my time to shine. Where are we anyway? Oh yeah, sweet, I fucking love this place....
View ArticleAn Interview With Charlie Brooker
This is an imaginary interview. I have never met the man. Hopefully I will one day, to interview him, it will be interesting to see how the real interview compares to this one. JP Barker (me): Hi, Mr...
View ArticleNintendo Night
“Just scooped it out the bowl and threw it out the window!” “Oh Mario,” said Princess Peach, screwing her face up in mock disgust. “Don’t worry, I washed my hands. Hey, crisps?” “What flavour have they...
View ArticleBJ Novak
“How do you do clean your floor?” I swaid. That’s right, swaid. I was swaying slightly as I said it because free wine had happened to me. “Excuse m-” “Novak!” I swhouted. “Yes.” “If you haven’t got a...
View ArticleTalking of Hi-De-Hi!
After my interview I went to the bookshop in town – they had a signing going off and the guy signing the book was, I thought, Hale or Pace (I can’t tell them apart.) Anyway, it was Hale or Pace so I...
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